My friend, my notebook

Ah!! Finally going to write something on a blank white page. The feeling of being away from my blog was pathetic, and more painful was sitting in front of the white blank screen of my laptop, with a wish to write something. So many thoughts were coming up in my mind, I wanted to write them down, words were like in front of my eyes, but I was not able to string them together into a sentence. Also I needed some time to sit back, relax and think to fill up the blank page. My profession is so demanding and I was hardly getting any chance to do that since last few months. May be my laptop was also unhappy for me, because the motherboard crashed. And I had to wait for few more days to publish my blog post. My friends suggested me to buy a new laptop than repairing this one, because the cost of repairing the motherboard would be same as buying a lower configuration laptop. But there is this one problem in me, I become too emotionally attached with the gadgets that I use. And it hurts me a lot to replace those gadgets until they are irreparable. I bought a Samsung galaxy series phone last year, android operating system is real fun, but still I always use my old Nokia N-series phone. My laptop is only two years old and with good configuration. I was not willing to replace it with a new laptop of lower configuration. My friends make joke of my attachment with my gadgets. I also sometimes think that it's time to replace the old ones with the new ones, but should we throw away the old ones even if it is functioning ? I really can't do this. I had to replace the motherboard.

Writing has always been my passion. When I was in school, since then writing is my hobby.  At that time, I only got chance to write something while writing those essays in my exams. But that was limited because I had to think about the impression of my writing on the examiner and obviously,
about getting good marks. If the examiner did not like my writing, I would not get good marks, so I tried to write keeping in mind the examiner's demand on that topic. I passed 10+2, and my college life started. The schedule was so hectic that I hardly got any time to write. It was my diary only what I could write at that time. I finished my college life, and got into my professional field. And my profession is far away from writing and just not at all related to writing.                                

Today I went to  the  bookstore.. I usually buy the books online because it's cheaper than the bookstore, but this time I had to buy some books that were not available online. While searching for the books, I saw a notebook, a long notebook with white pages and the front cover displaying a green island amidst blue sea. I liked it very much and bought it. These notebooks with white pages..colourful front covers.. and me— we are long-lost old friends.

When I was in school, the more I hated a subject, the more colourful notebooks I used for that subject. Those front covers were awesome..  with colourful images of-- icebergs.. tulip garden.. deep blue sea.. green mountains.. I used to look at the front cover of those notebooks for few minutes before studying that subject, and then opened it. The cover images helped me to alleviate the suffering associated with reading those subjects that I didn’t like. My school days were over, and I got admitted to my college.  Taking long notebooks to class was very old-fashioned there, so I started to use diary for writing down class-notes, and that is when I lost my friend, my long notebook with white pages. I had great difficulty in writing within the lines of diary, as I was used to write freely on the white pages of my notebook but I had to adjust. 

Up to class-IV, we used  notebooks provided by our school--- patterned notebook for mathematics and pre-ruled notebooks for rest of the subjects. I passed class IV and got admitted to a new school in class V, but I used those ruled notebooks as before in my new school. But a very funny incident happened in the half-yearly examination in the same year that changed everything. On the exam day, I got my question paper and the answer-sheet, opened the answer-sheet and saw that it was a totally white paper, no rules, no margins, just a blank page. Anyways, it was my first exam in high school, I was nervous to finish the question paper within time, and I was not in a state to think anything at that time.. So I started to write down the answers, and completed before time. Now it was time for revision.. and it was horrible, to see that one line was going upwards and the next line was going downwards. My answer paper was a page full of dancing lines of words. Actually I was not accustomed to write sentences in a straight line on a white paper, and to overcome my weakness before the annual exam, I replaced all my ruled notebooks with white-page notebooks. That was the beginning of our friendship. From that day each and every time I see a white notebook in front of me, I just cannot control myself to fill the pages with words and sentences.

Again sometimes I feel very helpless in front of a white page. A white page, opened just in front of me, but I cannot assemble my thoughts..  The pen in my hand is waiting for my command to start writing.. And me? Staring vacantly at that page. It has happened once/twice in my life when I went to the examination hall.. got the question paper.. read the questions.. could understand what answer they were expecting.. but I just could not remember the topic or any part of it.. and did not write down anything. The exams were class-tests in my college and I will never forget the incidents. And these incidents sometimes come back to me in the form of nightmares and make me spend a sleepless night. Those are even related to my school from where I passed many years ago. I keep appearing for exams in my dream, even when I am not a student anymore. In my nightmare, I usually go to exam hall studying a subject and come to know that the exam is scheduled for another subject. And to my great astonishment, I cannot remember even one topic from that subject . The two hands of the clock proceed, but I sit in front of a blank white page, staring vacantly at the page. The nightmare continues for some time more, and then I get up, my throat feels dry and my heart beats madly, and I'm relieved to realise that it was just another nightmare.

Just the opposite, it feels so good to see the same white page when I know the answer to the questions, or have something in my mind to write about, and I just start writing. I always wanted to be a writer, but became something else due to some unavoidable circumstances, like getting a rank in the entrance exam, like born to parents who didn't want me to be a writer. But I am happy, happy with what I am doing now. Today, in my life, the only white pages that I can see daily are either the treatment-sheets of the hospital or the pages of my prescription-pad, where I cannot write down as I wish, because someone’s life depends on the medicines and directions that I write on those papers. I have to think wisely and reconsider everything before writing anything down there.

I wanted to write something on the blank screen for so many days.. I opened my diary several times.. but could not write a single word.. Actually I forgot my old friend,who was there somewhere in the bookstore, only I did not invite him to come to my house. Today we were re-united after a long time. I got the notebook that was waiting for my call for so many years..  And my notebook with white pages brought back all those words that I needed.. to express my thoughts. I am so delighted that finally I could converge the diverging thoughts into a blog post. 

My blog is now one year old, thanks to all the readers for reading the posts and for sharing your opinion. Your comments are the most important thing to me. It feels someone, somewhere, is reading my blog. I am an irregular blogger, but will definitely try to be regular. Thanks a lot to all of you.